In a perfect world, mistakes are never made. However, in the real-world, mistakes are critical to growth and learning. It is also important to recognize that when a mistake is made, an apology might be needed. Apologies can be verbal or written. Sometimes, even a gift is sent with a note. The most important element is that the apology is offered. Too many times that does not occur, and that becomes the real mistake.

In today’s divisive political climate, changing the subject is a good way to give everyone a message that we need to agree by disagreeing and stop discussing a topic that only leads down the rabbit hole.

Once, at a dinner party, a hot and very difficult political subject arose. Words were exchanged between two folks that I thought would be tough to take back. I immediately asked: Does everyone like blueberries with their dessert? That worked, and immediately changed the subject.

In everyday communications, when there is no conflict, leading by example is easy. It is when conflicts arise and extreme differences of opinion emerge, that a true leader takes charge by example while taking the high road:

The No’s
No name calling
No assigning blames
No screaming or shouting
No using social media to air out differences

The Do’s
Do stay calm
Do take a breath and think before speaking
Do listen before speaking
Do ask about solutions
Do bring in support for both sides of the discussion

In working with a client experiencing high stress and in a no-win situation, it became clear that a time out was needed for some personal care, a massage in this case. We let all the parties involved know that we would come up with a solution at the end of the week.

The client had the authority and the funds to ask team members to take the day off and send in suggestions by email for the client to review for the Friday meeting. The client and all parties needed to take a break from their 24/7 work schedule to ensure the decisions were the best for the project. The project was successful and all parties felt empowered by the outcome.

Understanding cultural differences and similarities helps bridge communications. For example, I am a first-generation Chinese born and raised in Chicago and sometimes work with natural born Chinese (born in China) even though the individual may be in the US for an extended time.

We may look and even sound similar, but we think and communicate very differently. I am  direct, a distinctly US quality. Individuals from another culture may agree even though they disagree to save face. The main similarity is that we both want to succeed but get there in different manners. To connect and avoid a saving face situation, present a solution in a way that will achieve the main goal.

Asking the right question without putting words in one’s mouth is critical. Choosing to steer a discussion takes practice and critical listening skills. Ask a question by using phrases like: what is on your mind, what are you thinking or what is the first thing that comes to mind. This helps spur serious, insightful and meaningful discussion.

How many times do you have to deal with unreasonable demands? The real question is knowing ways to navigate these requests to meet them in a reasonable time frame without sacrificing  current activities.

The key is to agree and disagree at the same time by asking the questions: What can be delayed? How important is this request? What is the real time frame for this project? Instead of panicking and / or causing stress between all parties, stay calm and strategize the timelines.

Handling difficult feedback is important to overall success. Recently, I worked with a client who choose not to deal with this type of feedback. In fact, he never got upset but instead deflected the critical comments.

By disregarding the feedback, he displayed a blind spot large enough to hold him back in his career. Always listen to difficult feedback by focusing on the valid points and using it as a helpful tool in securing career success and encouraging personal development.

A firm handshake:
1. Creates a first-time bond
2. Starts a relationship
3. Enables the other person to begin to know you
4. Says confidence
5. Allows sharing of a personal space
6. Is usually the only time one touches another person at work

This firm handshake is the initiator of hopefully a fruitful relationship beginning.

Once, in the middle of a heated disagreement, instead of getting into a debate, I used silence. Silence caused the other person to pause. I’m not sure whether the debate was resolved but it did allow space for some discussion around other solutions.

Silence is wonderful tool in many ways. It creates time to listen. It can control or manage a situation and inject air in the room. Sometimes, a lot of chatter generates too much noise and prevents clear thinking. Silence helps all parties pause and ponder.